It seems like the winter months are more chaotic than the summer months. When we feel chaotic at home, it’s easy to think that we would feel better if only the house was clean and perfect.

As a coach, I know how this isn’t true. The way the house is doesn’t determine how we feel. Houses don’t create feelings, but what we think about the house, does.

So today, I’m giving you three steps to help you feel better when things feel chaotic at home.

1| awareness

We tend to think that if the house was clean and we had some space, we could think. We could have some peace. And if we had peace, we could feel better.

We think that when the kids are being loud, it somehow adds to the mess, and we try to quiet them.

What I want to teach you is that what the house looks like or how loud the kids are, have nothing to do with how you feel.

You feel the way you feel because of what you’re thinking, so awareness is the first step.

Even if you are highly sensitive to sounds and your environment, how you feel is still coming from what you are thinking.

You do not need your environment to be perfect to your standards in order for you to feel sane. What you need is to develop the skill of managing your brain.

If you don’t know what’s going on in your brain, you don’t know what is causing your emotion. You can clean the house and send the kids outside, but your peace isn’t going to last for long.

Pretty soon the kids will come back in and the house will be a mess and you’re back where you started.

I want to help you stop trying to control the environment in order to feel good so you can feel good in any environment.

2| decide

So, at this point, you’re faced with a decision. You get to decide how you want to feel.

It's good to note that how you feel is always a choice you are making. You just might not be choosing it consciously, but you always get to decide how you want to feel.

Deciding how you want to feel doesn’t mean being okay with the mess or with the loud kids.

Let me explain.

When it’s dinner time and you're trying to focus on cooking dinner but you can’t because the kids keep running through the kitchen and the baby is crying and people are hungry and the living room is a mess and the table is covered with the latest project, we think it’s all this stuff going on that makes us feel chaotic.

When you’re thinking, It’s so crazy in here I can’t think, you’re not going to be able to think.

But if you pause, and ask yourself what would be the most helpful thing in this moment, you will access a different feeling that will feel better. 

What would be the most helpful thing in this moment, when it’s chaotic and I’m trying to cook dinner? The most helpful thing is going to be taking action.

When things are chaotic, the solution is order.

To restore order, you're going to have to take action.

We can get caught up in wanting to feel good or to feel cool, calm, and collected, but the truth is, sometimes you just have to take action and trust the 'good' feeling will come after.

The reason this question works is because it is solution focused. When you answer, you have to stop complaining about how you feel and observe your life to find the most helpful thing.

The instant you become the observer, you're going to feel better because you stop being in the chaos. You stop attributing to it. You're going to see it's not helpful to yell at the kids.

And, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to instantly clean up the mess. You might decide to just get dinner on the table even if there's a project on the table, too.

You can create order around the food and serving a good meal so the kids aren't eating snacks all evening.

I hope you can see the difference here. I’m not saying that you have to think the mess is okay. We just don't want to make it mean that we can’t cook dinner. We don't make it mean that we can’t feel good if there's a lot going on.

3| believe

The third step is to believe that you are capable.

If you don’t believe you are capable, you’re not going to be able to create order. You won't take any action. You won't know what to do to help the situation.

If this is you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Nobody teaches us this. And this is exactly why I do what I do.

Believing in our own capabilities and being able to take responsibility for the way our life is, is deep work. It takes effort and a re-wiring of the brain.

But it is possible.

It's possible to change your brain and decide to not let the chaos at home drag you down.

I want to help you see how you could believe it. How you could decide to feel something other than chaotic.

Think about someone you admire who finds it easy to do what you’re trying to do.

Someone that would have no problem getting dinner on the table in your house, with your kids, and with the current things happening.

Whatever you’re trying to do at home that you feel like you can’t do because of the mess or the kids, think of someone you know who would be able to do what you want to do.

If they were to step into your life, how would they handle the situation?

As soon as you see it’s possible to get the result you want with the circumstances you have, it opens up possibility for you.

If someone else could do it, you could do it. All you have to do is act like them.

What do you think that person would be thinking? What would they do? How would they act? Try that for yourself, and you'll feel better even when it's chaotic at home.

recap

Okay. Those are the three steps to feel better about the home chaos.

The first thing is to become aware that it’s not the state of the house or the kids that’s making you feel the way you do. It’s your thoughts about what’s going on.

The second thing is to decide on purpose how you want to show up (what would be helpful) in that moment.

And the third step is to believe that you are capable of doing that.

If this sounds easier said than done, I would love to help you integrate this into your daily life.

Becoming aware, making better choices, and increasing your belief in what you are capable of is enough to change your life.

But if you want more support, you're welcome to meet with me on Zoom to talk about where you're stuck. All you have to do is click HERE.